“Waiting is the hardest part...You take it on faith, you take it to the heart.”
With my first pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes. Despite no indicators for it in my medical history, I failed all the tests and ended up eating a very strict diet and taking my blood 4 times per day for just under half of my pregnancy. Luckily, my daughter was fine, and I had no residual complications.
Well, I am pregnant again. And the chances of having gestational diabetes in a subsequent pregnancy is high, something like 85%. So, this time around I've had to test for it twice. And I've had to wait for the results, twice. Man, waiting is uncomfortable for me. My last test was yesterday and I waited all day today for my doctor to call. I want to define what I felt when I say "waiting." I certainly didn't sit by the phone (the phone sat by me though). I kept busy (not too hard with a toddler and a few businesses to run). But, there was always that thought about the results circling in my mind. And that's what I mean by waiting. I mean my whole brain isn't present that some part of my thoughts are awaiting some future moment, and it is distracting to say the least.
I find myself waiting a lot. Waiting for software to upload, waiting for my daughter to fall asleep, waiting in line doing errands, waiting for the response to an email, waiting for bedtime when I can finish a good book, waiting for my husband to come back from a shoot, waiting, waiting, waiting. Not being wholly present. So my question started off like this: How do I get rid of the waiting feeling? And then I thought, "Well, the waiting feeling isn't the issue, it is the thoughts that go along with waiting: the what ifs, the future plans, the leaning away from the preset." So, my discovery was to try to just be with the waiting, not to work on it, or through it, or get rid of it or anything. But just to be with it.
And guess what? I beat the odds and I don't have gestational diabetes this pregnancy! I am thrilled (or as thrilled as I can be at six months pregnant on a 90 degree day.) But though my appreciation of the fact that I can eat ice cream this summer is great, what is greater to me is this lesson about being with something instead of thinking about it.
So, I was waiting for test results, and it was uncomfortable. And that's that. I didn't have to circle though the possible outcomes and resulting questions an necessary actions. All of that thinking was an ineffective use of my brain power. All I really had to do was wait, and be with the waiting. Did it change the outcome? No, of course not. But it did change mg experience.
Are you willing to try?
Start simple: Next time you are in line somewhere, or waiting for something or someone, try to focus just on the feeling of waiting. Don't think about what is next, or where you could be, or what else you might be doing. Just be with the waiting and know that it is okay.