The Scorpion, The Spider, The Scorpion, The Snake...The story of my morning, my new roommates.
1) Good morning I am going to wash the laundry. Go to pila (cement laundry washing device), hit board on top to warn geckos, cucarachas, frogs. Pull open top. See something scurry. Drop top. (Silent scream). Slowly walk over and raise top. See dead scorpion. (Silent scream). Jump around and wave hands, pull at hair. Get bucket of water. Wash dead scorpion off porch. Proceed to do two hours of laundry.
2) We used to keep our food on a shelf in the kitchen. Now our food lives on top of the counter. Our food was moved by me because someone new has moved into the place where out food used to live. The new thing is a spider about the size of my foot. Which is big, for a spider. This spider (or one that looked identical) used to live on the wall. Which was fine with me because I could see it. Now it is lurking. I don't like lurking. So the food is moved and I give up the shelf to the spider. If it wants to live there, fine. But the food has moved out.
3) Sweep, sweep, sweep. Make a nice big pile of dust. Sweep dust into dust pan. Kick over dust pan. Lean down to pick up dust pan. Get hands all dusty. Stand up and reach to faucet to turn on water to wash hands. Really loud scream (if it had not been a silent scream, due to the lack of voice). Jump backwards. Flail hands. Jump up and down. Pull hair. Hop from foot to foot. Repeat "Ohgodohgodohgod," in head one billion times. Hop around some more. Turn in circles. See white light at end of tunnel...Suddenly realize self has NOT been stung and notice that white light is actually a lightbulb signifying and idea. Run outside to neighboring construction site. Hopping up and down and pulling hair beg construction workers in Spanish sign language to come into my house and remove said creature. Accompany elected member of construction crew to bathroom sink. Back away. Watch from across entire house as brave man uses shovel to pick scorpion out of sink and place on floor. Watch how fast a scorpion can run. I never in my whole life saw anything move that fast. And I thought I could use speed against them, damn. Brave Prince steps on scorpion, scoops up in shovel and removes from premises. Follow nice, wonderful savior outside to show off scorpion. Learn from older construction worker that of all of the kinds of scorpions this is the most dangerous and poisonous. If you get stung you usually die before the antiserum takes effect. If you have the antiserum. Gentleman strongly suggests spraying the whole house with repellent. Or moving. I thank all graciously with hands still shaking. Return to house. Stand in middle of kitchen talking to self for hour. Try to convince self that all will be okay. Immediately go find flip flops and tiptoe around house shaking everything in sight. Decide to move to Alaska. Think of wolves. Give up. No where is safe.
4) Heart having finally slowed from second scorpion impression. Go outside to dump out mop bucket in yard. Dump bucket. Snake jumps (yes, they do) from ground and lands on feet and slithers away. Scream (silent). Drop bucket down steps (loud). Construction men come running. Try explaining snake in Spanish sign language. Man takes out machete and starts destroying yard searching for snake. I explain, in Spanish sign language, that my Grandfather is a herpetologist and it is probably just a garden snake that scared me by catching me off guard. They say okay, but are sure to remind me that poisonous coral snakes are all around. I tell them it was a green snake not red. They go back to work. I return to kitchen. Proceed to stand in kitchen and hop slightly until time to leave house for work. I pray on way to work that a fire will burn down my house, then realize cement doesn't burn and prey for compounds to change nature so cement can burn. Realize I don't believe in praying and am being stupid. Thank the goddess that nothing bit me instead.
1) Good morning I am going to wash the laundry. Go to pila (cement laundry washing device), hit board on top to warn geckos, cucarachas, frogs. Pull open top. See something scurry. Drop top. (Silent scream). Slowly walk over and raise top. See dead scorpion. (Silent scream). Jump around and wave hands, pull at hair. Get bucket of water. Wash dead scorpion off porch. Proceed to do two hours of laundry.
2) We used to keep our food on a shelf in the kitchen. Now our food lives on top of the counter. Our food was moved by me because someone new has moved into the place where out food used to live. The new thing is a spider about the size of my foot. Which is big, for a spider. This spider (or one that looked identical) used to live on the wall. Which was fine with me because I could see it. Now it is lurking. I don't like lurking. So the food is moved and I give up the shelf to the spider. If it wants to live there, fine. But the food has moved out.
3) Sweep, sweep, sweep. Make a nice big pile of dust. Sweep dust into dust pan. Kick over dust pan. Lean down to pick up dust pan. Get hands all dusty. Stand up and reach to faucet to turn on water to wash hands. Really loud scream (if it had not been a silent scream, due to the lack of voice). Jump backwards. Flail hands. Jump up and down. Pull hair. Hop from foot to foot. Repeat "Ohgodohgodohgod," in head one billion times. Hop around some more. Turn in circles. See white light at end of tunnel...Suddenly realize self has NOT been stung and notice that white light is actually a lightbulb signifying and idea. Run outside to neighboring construction site. Hopping up and down and pulling hair beg construction workers in Spanish sign language to come into my house and remove said creature. Accompany elected member of construction crew to bathroom sink. Back away. Watch from across entire house as brave man uses shovel to pick scorpion out of sink and place on floor. Watch how fast a scorpion can run. I never in my whole life saw anything move that fast. And I thought I could use speed against them, damn. Brave Prince steps on scorpion, scoops up in shovel and removes from premises. Follow nice, wonderful savior outside to show off scorpion. Learn from older construction worker that of all of the kinds of scorpions this is the most dangerous and poisonous. If you get stung you usually die before the antiserum takes effect. If you have the antiserum. Gentleman strongly suggests spraying the whole house with repellent. Or moving. I thank all graciously with hands still shaking. Return to house. Stand in middle of kitchen talking to self for hour. Try to convince self that all will be okay. Immediately go find flip flops and tiptoe around house shaking everything in sight. Decide to move to Alaska. Think of wolves. Give up. No where is safe.
4) Heart having finally slowed from second scorpion impression. Go outside to dump out mop bucket in yard. Dump bucket. Snake jumps (yes, they do) from ground and lands on feet and slithers away. Scream (silent). Drop bucket down steps (loud). Construction men come running. Try explaining snake in Spanish sign language. Man takes out machete and starts destroying yard searching for snake. I explain, in Spanish sign language, that my Grandfather is a herpetologist and it is probably just a garden snake that scared me by catching me off guard. They say okay, but are sure to remind me that poisonous coral snakes are all around. I tell them it was a green snake not red. They go back to work. I return to kitchen. Proceed to stand in kitchen and hop slightly until time to leave house for work. I pray on way to work that a fire will burn down my house, then realize cement doesn't burn and prey for compounds to change nature so cement can burn. Realize I don't believe in praying and am being stupid. Thank the goddess that nothing bit me instead.