I Don't Want to Wait in Vain
I counted the people ahead of me in line at the Post Office today. They numbered 36 (not counting the 22 in the self service line). I think people are buying too many presents and/or live to far from their loved ones. If we all just lived closer we wouldn't have to stand in line to mail things that the recipients probably don't even want.
Who's the grinch this year?
Who's the grinch this year?
Shopping as Hell
Christmas shopping in NYC is a fate worse than death.
Here are some pointers on how to survive.
1) HATE. Begin with hating everyone and everything. Hold hatred close to your heart from the moment you step out of your door. This way you'll be used to the feeling in advance. To be surprised with a feeling of hatred can be overwhelming, so be prepared before you set out. Imagery can help. Visualize hell.
2) Heal guards. Why oh why are all the nanny's shopping with their baby strollers? Do they not realize that they are fat enough as is? Do they not understand that this is NOT Wal-mart, that these are the streets of New York and they are CROWDED? Am I invisible standing in the aisle? Am I invisible on the Sidewalk? Do you really (really) think that hitting me with your oh-so-fashionable Bugaboo (trademark goes here) is going to make me step into traffic? Well, I might. Take that, Upper West Side! Take that Midtown! Take that, Soho! I recommend heel guards. Preferably with spikes. As I do my shopping sashay through the streets of New York I will not hesitate to pop your tire.
3) Credit Cards. Lots of them. Why don't stores have change? Is everyone living on credit? Are all these rich people poor? Or are they just in it for the miles? What happened to cash? And, more importantly, why, when I hand it to you (you nice store clerk, idiot) do you look at me like I am out of my freaking mind? Like, oh, I am so sorry, we can make change for a ten....
So do yourself a favor and stack that plastic, cuz cash sure ain't king here.
4) Hot Coffee. I recommend that every few blocks you stop in a deli and buy a cup of piping hot coffee, with milk. I swear, the milk is important, you'll see. Don't drink it, the coffee's not for you. It's for the jostlers. It's for the pushers. It's for the people who (so like those stroller-pushers) think that I am completely invisible. So when they bump, bump back. Only get 'em good with a hot cup of coffee. But you've got to have the saccharine attitude to go with it. You have to really be sorry. You have to coo. And ask for their address. Offer to have their coat cleaned (don't worry, they always say no). But then as you walk away and the coffee dries in the crips air, you can revel in your disaster. That's where the milk comes in. Chances are the coast won't go to the cleaners today, or tomorrow, or until, probably, after Christmas. And then it will stink. And all of your Christmas shopping will be done.
That's it for now, just a few tips to get you started. But I'd welcome anymore, because there's still more Christmas horror for me to spread.
Here are some pointers on how to survive.
1) HATE. Begin with hating everyone and everything. Hold hatred close to your heart from the moment you step out of your door. This way you'll be used to the feeling in advance. To be surprised with a feeling of hatred can be overwhelming, so be prepared before you set out. Imagery can help. Visualize hell.
2) Heal guards. Why oh why are all the nanny's shopping with their baby strollers? Do they not realize that they are fat enough as is? Do they not understand that this is NOT Wal-mart, that these are the streets of New York and they are CROWDED? Am I invisible standing in the aisle? Am I invisible on the Sidewalk? Do you really (really) think that hitting me with your oh-so-fashionable Bugaboo (trademark goes here) is going to make me step into traffic? Well, I might. Take that, Upper West Side! Take that Midtown! Take that, Soho! I recommend heel guards. Preferably with spikes. As I do my shopping sashay through the streets of New York I will not hesitate to pop your tire.
3) Credit Cards. Lots of them. Why don't stores have change? Is everyone living on credit? Are all these rich people poor? Or are they just in it for the miles? What happened to cash? And, more importantly, why, when I hand it to you (you nice store clerk, idiot) do you look at me like I am out of my freaking mind? Like, oh, I am so sorry, we can make change for a ten....
So do yourself a favor and stack that plastic, cuz cash sure ain't king here.
4) Hot Coffee. I recommend that every few blocks you stop in a deli and buy a cup of piping hot coffee, with milk. I swear, the milk is important, you'll see. Don't drink it, the coffee's not for you. It's for the jostlers. It's for the pushers. It's for the people who (so like those stroller-pushers) think that I am completely invisible. So when they bump, bump back. Only get 'em good with a hot cup of coffee. But you've got to have the saccharine attitude to go with it. You have to really be sorry. You have to coo. And ask for their address. Offer to have their coat cleaned (don't worry, they always say no). But then as you walk away and the coffee dries in the crips air, you can revel in your disaster. That's where the milk comes in. Chances are the coast won't go to the cleaners today, or tomorrow, or until, probably, after Christmas. And then it will stink. And all of your Christmas shopping will be done.
That's it for now, just a few tips to get you started. But I'd welcome anymore, because there's still more Christmas horror for me to spread.
Global Warming
In NYC today it 58 degrees.
In my short lifetime, the temperature of the planet has gone up one degree.
We are screwing up the balnce of the panent.
I am pissed off.
The concept I am getting at here is that I, one of those blessed with"higher education," am doing nothing. I leave my coputer and stereo and alarm clocks and lights plugged in. I do not drive a hybrid vehicle. I eat meat. I take taxis. And I like to. My food comes from miles and miles and hundreds of thousands of miles away.
This is not sustainable. We as a world are screwing up, big time.
But we are too lazy to do anything about it. We live in convinece. I don't want to unplug things. I don't want to go to the farmer's market and buy locally grown food. I don't want to speand 30,000 dollars on a new car.
And if I can't change, why should you.
In my short lifetime, the temperature of the planet has gone up one degree.
We are screwing up the balnce of the panent.
I am pissed off.
The concept I am getting at here is that I, one of those blessed with"higher education," am doing nothing. I leave my coputer and stereo and alarm clocks and lights plugged in. I do not drive a hybrid vehicle. I eat meat. I take taxis. And I like to. My food comes from miles and miles and hundreds of thousands of miles away.
This is not sustainable. We as a world are screwing up, big time.
But we are too lazy to do anything about it. We live in convinece. I don't want to unplug things. I don't want to go to the farmer's market and buy locally grown food. I don't want to speand 30,000 dollars on a new car.
And if I can't change, why should you.
To Rest or Not to Rest
That is not exactly the question.
The question is: how?
Some read, some knit, some drink, some go to brunch, others to museams, maybe for a walk, a nice bicycle ride, a yoga class, sometimes a movie, a chat on the phone, journal refelctions...the list goes on.
Some work.
What to you do for rest and relaxation?
And, more importantly, what should I do?
The question is: how?
Some read, some knit, some drink, some go to brunch, others to museams, maybe for a walk, a nice bicycle ride, a yoga class, sometimes a movie, a chat on the phone, journal refelctions...the list goes on.
Some work.
What to you do for rest and relaxation?
And, more importantly, what should I do?
The Electric/tronic Break
To move car for alternate side of the street parking:
Go downstairs
find car
enter car
put key in ignition
turn key
And nothing happens.
try again
Nada.
try to jump start car.
Nada
call AAA and have car towed
ait four days and three parts
NADA.
be very glad you don't have to move car for alternate side of the street parking.
Part two:
To start computer:
press start key
hear very strange beeping
try again
NADA.
So if you have something that doesn't work, please speak up and make us feel better.
Because, right now, we are, like, so jealous of you.
Go downstairs
find car
enter car
put key in ignition
turn key
And nothing happens.
try again
Nada.
try to jump start car.
Nada
call AAA and have car towed
ait four days and three parts
NADA.
be very glad you don't have to move car for alternate side of the street parking.
Part two:
To start computer:
press start key
hear very strange beeping
try again
NADA.
So if you have something that doesn't work, please speak up and make us feel better.
Because, right now, we are, like, so jealous of you.
We ARE NOSI
Here is one of the tables, and one of the models, wearing one of the designer's fashions. There are more, but it's a beginning.The event was swell.
We are still tired.
That good, or that much work?