It Is Worth It: So Many Things About Sadness

It is worth writing about sadness.

I am not very good at sadness.  I'm not skilled at it.  

• I can ignore it so fully that I truly that I don't know it is there.
• I can sense it and turn away, rush forward, DO something, instead of just being with it.
• I can suppress it so long that it becomes something else.

Mostly it's the fear that manifests.

But so it is with most things.  It is our feeling of fear that bubbles up.  That manifests. That reminds us, it's not all okay.

She comes to some in night times.

Me, she visits on hot, beautiful, clear sparkly days.

• Whispering to my friend that she couldn't nurse her baby.
• Whispering to my grandmother about her own death.
• Whispering to me about tomorrow.

What does fear whisper to you? (Click to Tweet)

But peeling. Ever deeper.  Reaching below the fear to scratch and sniff and see, what's there?

This fear, it reminds me:

Hello, sadness on beautiful days.  

And shoulds.  

Oh the shoulds.

To The Space Between Projects: I Currently Hate You.

Hate's strong.  I use it when I am fearful.  I've noticed others do too.  When we are maxed out uncomfortable and pushed to our edges, there is hate.  When there is resistance (for whatever the reason) to incorporate something into our life stories, there is hate.  It's reactionary.  It is born of fear. 

I've talked a lot about finishing stuff recently.  Like, BEFORE I take on new shit.  Radical, isn't it?  (Yes, that's rhetorical, somewhat).  

I am a push-forward-always-driven-isn't-she-manic-but-ohsotogether type of person.  

So being without something on the horizon is TERRIFYING. And when I say that I really mean it.  I mean the kind of heart in your chest and fight or flight fear. How's that for radical honesty?  

So right now I have given myself a task that brings up hate and fear.  Oh my.  Biting off a lot.  

So I sit here with the clean slate, the tabula rasa. 

So I sit here with the feelings that arise. 

So I sit here, in between.