It Is Worth It: So Many Things About Sadness

It is worth writing about sadness.

I am not very good at sadness.  I'm not skilled at it.  

• I can ignore it so fully that I truly that I don't know it is there.
• I can sense it and turn away, rush forward, DO something, instead of just being with it.
• I can suppress it so long that it becomes something else.

Mostly it's the fear that manifests.

But so it is with most things.  It is our feeling of fear that bubbles up.  That manifests. That reminds us, it's not all okay.

She comes to some in night times.

Me, she visits on hot, beautiful, clear sparkly days.

• Whispering to my friend that she couldn't nurse her baby.
• Whispering to my grandmother about her own death.
• Whispering to me about tomorrow.

What does fear whisper to you? (Click to Tweet)

But peeling. Ever deeper.  Reaching below the fear to scratch and sniff and see, what's there?

This fear, it reminds me:

Hello, sadness on beautiful days.  

And shoulds.  

Oh the shoulds.

I Need More

Sometimes I need more self care than other times.  Is it hormonal? Astrological? 

Also, #selfcare didn't really used to be a thing, a buzzword.  There was "me time" and "down time" there were just normal freaking people who read books and painted their nails and took showers and ate healthy and that wasn't some special  #iterativeliving thing.  It was just life.

But back to me...There are times in my life where I don't have to be as protective of my sleep.  When I can work late and get up early and be happy.   (This isn't one of them.)

There are times in my life where I can survive without eating breakfast. (This isn't one of them.)

There are times in my life where I can plan weeks in advance.  When I can see clearly, long distance.  (This isn't one of them.)

There are times in my life where I feel connected and grounded and thoughtful and clear.  (This isn't one of them.)

But right now - in order to be a good mom, and a good wife, and a good friend, and a good coach, and a good person - I need to sleep, eat, read, and do less.  Maybe the #busy caught up with me. Maybe breastfeeding is exhausting. 

Maybe maybe maybe,  baby.

You know what you need if you stop long enough to listen. (Click to Tweet)

Call it self care, call it indulgent, call is necessary, call it spoiled.  Sometime it's just survival. Like when you can't go on any other way.

Just remember this:  Take care of yourself when you need to.  

To The Space Between Projects: I Currently Hate You.

Hate's strong.  I use it when I am fearful.  I've noticed others do too.  When we are maxed out uncomfortable and pushed to our edges, there is hate.  When there is resistance (for whatever the reason) to incorporate something into our life stories, there is hate.  It's reactionary.  It is born of fear. 

I've talked a lot about finishing stuff recently.  Like, BEFORE I take on new shit.  Radical, isn't it?  (Yes, that's rhetorical, somewhat).  

I am a push-forward-always-driven-isn't-she-manic-but-ohsotogether type of person.  

So being without something on the horizon is TERRIFYING. And when I say that I really mean it.  I mean the kind of heart in your chest and fight or flight fear. How's that for radical honesty?  

So right now I have given myself a task that brings up hate and fear.  Oh my.  Biting off a lot.  

So I sit here with the clean slate, the tabula rasa. 

So I sit here with the feelings that arise. 

So I sit here, in between. 

I Feel Like An Adult

So I have said a few times recently that for me, this year (32) is a year of brand new things.  I am aware of beginnings. (Did I say that? Or did I just think it?)

It's the first time I've had a coffee maker in my office.  

Well, wait, it is the first time I have had an office outside of my home.

I've also made my first friend as an adult.  And this is weird right?  Most people have friends, I think.  But if you work for yourself as much as I have and then have kids, you don't really have a lot of meeting people time.  

Since moving back to Providence I feel like so many doors are opening for me.  And in really healthy ways.  

I feel very fulfilled.  My kids are thriving (despite the long winter), my stress level is low (despite the craziness that is life due to moving my home and my business), my husband has lots of work and is happy (despite the fact that his desk is in the currently unheated basement), and lost importantly, I have a friend. Who lives down the street and has kids just my kids' ages.  So, like, we have everything in common (ish). 

But you know what the best part is? 

Not feeling so incredibly alone.  And to me that equals BEING HEARD.

Incredibly simple, yet incredibly empowering.  

So, I am going to add another word to this years word list: Community.

It is not always what/who you think.

We need each other, people.

Because when it is 8PM and I am already in bed, but stuffing chocolates into my mouth, it is far better to know that she is doing it too.

See?  Check out slide 4:  

I Am Getting Discouraged, Can You Relate?

I am discouraged today.  Can you relate?  

There is not enough time in the day and I am working so damn hard.  I am juggling.  I am fighting the good fight. 

I even asked for help and said "no" more.  That's what I'm meant to do right?  

We all get discouraged. But, the thing is, it DOESN'T mean that we are doing something wrong.

Can you see my ass?  You mother fucking cannot, because I have worked it off.  

Between being a landlord, being a mother, running Wear Your Music, paying my household bills, being a friend, doing wifely things, being present for my clients, marketing myself, blogging, taking classes, trying to eat cook and eat good food, texting with my bffs, scheduling everyone, and sleeping...well, I am empty and discouraged and rat raced.  The rat is fucking winning folks.  But only today.

Tomorrow, I promise to:

• Take a deep breath before my eyes open.
• Say thank you to the universe for a brand new day.
• Count my blessings, out loud, to my kids.
• Kiss my husband more than once.
• Realize I am winning.  No matter how discouraged I feel.

#theratracewinsnomore

Word of the Year: THRIVE

So this year, for me, is about THRIVING.  

To grow, vigorously.

It's funny to talk about this in winter. The trees are cold, nothing is visibly growing.  And there's the rub; Sometimes, this growth is invisible to the naked eye.  

It is hard, hard, hard, hard, hard to measure success when you are in a creative discipline. 

• There is money.  How much are you making?
• There is quantity of work.  How many pieces did you produce?
• There is feeling.  Do you feel good about what you are doing?
• There is praise.  Did you win an award or a new client?

There are tons of ways to measure success and we need to pick our own based on what we value. 

But that's success.  I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about GROWTH.  

About stretching boundaries

and eating things that make us fuller

and reading things that make us smarter

and moving our bodies so that we get stronger.  

We don't always FEEL our successes.  But we can sure as hell feel growth.  (Click to Tweet)

I feel bigger.  I feel clearer.  I feel more responsible and more frightened and less scared.  I feel so much.  And I continue to grow by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

With intention.

This is it:

THRIVE.

What is it for you?

Confidence:: Seize It. Be It.

Lift your head up, woman.  Look at me in the eyes.  This is for you.  

Yes, you heard me.  I am speaking to you.

You are beautiful and strong.  Right now.  Has anyone told you this today?

Have you said those words to yourself, even at your weakest moment?

Look at your own worth.  Write down your accomplishments.  Celebrate yourself.  And not in some pretentious way.  Make it count.  Create value.

There is no shame in this skin of mine.  There is no shame in yours.  Yes, we have emotions. Yes, we are not perfect.  Yes, there is envy.  Yes, I compare myself to you.  Yes, I am not always my best.  Yes, neither are you.  

It doesn't matter.  At the depths of it all, you know your truth.  And the truth is, you and I both, we are really, really epic.

This is what I want to tell you:

You are captivating.

You are brilliant and talented.

You've done so much, it is magical.  You glow with the weight of it.  

Without you, I wouldn't have much to strive for.

Shine on.  (Click to Tweet)

I am Hiring a Fucking Nanny

Yes.  A nanny/housekeeper is in my crosshairs.

And I am having a meltdown about it.  

I FEEL like a stay at home mom, though I know, intellectually, that I am not.  

I want someone to do my laundry.  But I like doing laundry.   

I need help.  And I am embarrassed.  Don't you know?  I am the person who does it all!  (NOT).  Part of doing it all is asking for help.  

There is so much conflict in me that it HURTS. (Click to Tweet)

Inviting someone into my home.  Being responsible for yet another someone's livelihood. Trusting that my kids will be okay.  Trusting that I will be okay.  Trusting that change is okay. Trusting myself.

Well, shit, is that what this is really about?  Learning to trust that maybe I need help.  Learning that it takes a village and that sometimes, it's a paid village.

Telling someone, candidly, that I don't think they should take a 40 hour a week job, because it just doesn't leave them ENOUGH TIME.  And yet, telling someone else, they need more structure.

REFLECTIVE listening.  And this INTERNAL COMPASS.  That  I MUST

LEARN TO TRUST.

But how?

And now,  what you've all been waiting for:  Hiring a person in THREE EASY STEPS:

1. Be very.very.very.very.very clear about what their job is.  Explain it well, completely and without fear.
2. Like them.  Do not hire someone you don't like.  They won't do a good job, because the chances are very good they do not like you.
3. Trust yourself.  (Grrrrrrr)

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When You Just Don't Wanna:: Tips On How To Start, or not.

Stop procrastinating (Hannah), your desk doesn't have to be clean first.

It doesn't have to be quiet. 

You don't need it to be perfect.  

There is something called a beginning.  There is something called good enough.

When you or I wrestle with beginning something, or continuing something, or just picking up the damn toys off the floor we meet one of our biggest teachers.  That teacher is RESISTANCE.  It says:  

I don't want to get up.

I don't want to make dinner.  

I don't want to do this job.  

I don't want to clean up my toys.

I don't want to pay my bills.

I don't wanna!  

We all say it, in one way or another (it doesn't have to be with words). Dads say it. Executives say it.  Even yogis say it.  My dog says it.  The weather says it.

Got a case of the "I don't wanna's" ?  Here is a quick guide to meeting that feeling and moving on:

• admit your resistance: Well, hello again resistance to making supper.  Fancy meeting you here at suppertime.
• weigh reality: Do I really have to make supper tonight, or is there another, better option?
• reframe it: Instead of  hating on the making, love on the action of nourishing your body.
• make it sweeter: While I do this, I'll listen to my new favorite song.
• reward yourself: When I am done, there will be chocolate.
• breathe: Inhale, exhale, repeat.

Just This Shelf.

There is a space, somewhere.

It waits for you.

It might be hidden by single socks, snow melt, crinkled wrapping paper, old water glasses.  But underneath that all

It waits for you.

There are a few places it is not.  It is not at your friend's house (hello, envy).  It is not at the end of a long day of cleaning (hello, avoidance).

It is in the middle of your messes, it is at the top of your list.  It is yours alone.  Without reason, without perfection.  Without perfection.  Without perfection.

Carve it.  Right now.  Make yourself space.  Make yourself space.  GIFT yourself this space.  It frees your brain.  It frees your brain. Make yourself space.  (Click HERE to Tweet).

This is our second skin. 

This outside that reflects our in.  Maybe not everyday.  Maybe not always.  Maybe not the mess in the sink.  Maybe not the unfolded laundry.  But somewhere, there is a space.  It's not on Pinterest.  It is not tomorrow.  It won't wait till the New Year.  It won't wait at all.  It is there right now. All along.  Clear the debris.  

Claim it.  

                                                 Where is yours?