It Is Worth It: So Many Things About Sadness

It is worth writing about sadness.

I am not very good at sadness.  I'm not skilled at it.  

• I can ignore it so fully that I truly that I don't know it is there.
• I can sense it and turn away, rush forward, DO something, instead of just being with it.
• I can suppress it so long that it becomes something else.

Mostly it's the fear that manifests.

But so it is with most things.  It is our feeling of fear that bubbles up.  That manifests. That reminds us, it's not all okay.

She comes to some in night times.

Me, she visits on hot, beautiful, clear sparkly days.

• Whispering to my friend that she couldn't nurse her baby.
• Whispering to my grandmother about her own death.
• Whispering to me about tomorrow.

What does fear whisper to you? (Click to Tweet)

But peeling. Ever deeper.  Reaching below the fear to scratch and sniff and see, what's there?

This fear, it reminds me:

Hello, sadness on beautiful days.  

And shoulds.  

Oh the shoulds.

Frozen.

I used to say I loved winter.  To hunker down inside and work and work and work and work.  To turn inward.  To reflect and hibernate and put down roots and RITUALS. 

(I won't forget it's beautiful.)

(I won't forget it's beautiful.)

(I won't forget it's beautiful.)

But this winter I am feeling more trapped.  More restricted.  

Frozen.

I guess I've something still to learn about stillness. (Click to Tweet)

So now each time I feel trapped, I promise you I'll take a breath.

So now each time I feel restrained, I'll raise my arms and spin in place.

So now each time I must pick my steps so slowly so as not so slip, I will ground and relish in the slowness and intention.

So now each time I pull at the layers, I will relax into the feeling of being held.

So now each time I want to breathe the air, I simply will.  And feel the cold bite of frozen air.

And I will promise to capture a few of these moments in the stillness.  

After all, we are lucky to have these frozen moments.

Unpredictable and Demanding:: I Am These

These words are stuck on my tongue.  I'm stuck on loop.  I keep tripping over these words.  Tripping up on these words:

Unpredictable.  Demanding.

I use them to describe my son.

It's not very nice of me.  

And then there I am, in the shower, alone.  For the first time in months.  Maybe longer. And I realize that this baby, this boy, is JUST.LIKE.ME.  My daughter (now three) was a dream.  Easy, fun, soft.  Now these harsh words I have for my son – unpredictable, demanding – they are so me.  He is just a little mirror.  He is high need.  His need is high for me.  He wants to be looked at, paid attention to.  Can you blame him?  Can you blame me? 

But unpredictable can be beautiful.  

And demanding can be brazen but true.  

What words describe you right now, today? 

I Used to Write a LOT of Poetry

It feels like an admission of guilt.  "I used to write a lot of poetry." 

I think it's a weakness.  "I used to write a lot of poetry." 

I am embarrassed to say:  "I used to write a lot of poetry." 

But it is true. 

So here goes.  Here I go again:

For you both I would,

give up all self.

But I can't, because you need me

as me.  Imperfect, yet whole.

The heart cracks and we draw with chalk, making virtues of the fissures.

"My mother taught me this," I say.

"My mother taught me this," you'll say.

Each one of us, desperately intertwined, kicking the net.

A few great things happen each lifetime.  These are mine.

Because you like this.  You might also like: 

BLOG

Bitchy Little Critic:: Your Inner Voice

about 2 weeks ago

I am 32 and I Just Used Body Wash for the First Time

about 3 weeks ago

My First Post of the New Year

about a month ago

Singin' in the Rain

Knowing When To Say When

Knowing to say... This is not a blog day.  It is 91 degrees and I am a lot, very much, pregnant.  Knowing to say, it's okay, I need to do what I need to do.

What do you need today?  Can you breathe and and give yourself at least a little of what you need?

Listening versus Hearing (or, why my house is so sandy)

I am out here on the island, eight months pregnant and on my own with a toddler and two dogs.  The dogs have been walked daily, the kid is happy and fed and lathered with sunscreen.  I've cooked all the meals and done all the dishes sans dishwasher. I feel pretty damn swell about it all.  I've even been rocking a bikini.

I am living in my dad's old house, that I grew up in, but that he no longer lives in, but his girlfriend (one of my half brother's mothers), has fixed up beautifully.   You got that?  One day I'll try to draw a family tree...(currently I keep the info HERE.)  The thing is, it has been rainy and sand seems to stick to rain.  To the dogs, to my clothes, to the kid's shoes.  And also, it is hot, which, means dogs shed.  So, the house has a slight issue with dog fur and sand that I haven't quite gotten to.

My stepmom cleans houses on Saturdays in the summer for rental turnovers.  And before her full day of work offered to come over, and clean my/her house.  She phrased it as a gesture of love, not judgement.  Isn't that sweet?

How do you offer to do something for someone, as a kindness, without seeming like you are judging their ability?

Check out the colors of the house, amazing, no?  Maybe you should have her come do your color palette for your house! Oh, and speaking of colors.  My friend of almost 20 years is giving away some of her luscious yarn, hand-dyed in Alaska, along with some other goodies. Check it out and enter HERE - it is FREE! (She also wrote soem really nice things about me HERE, gloat.)

To The Depths

Not a lot of things push me to anxiety recently.  I've been pretty slow & steady, breathing in, rushing along, skipping on the surface, diving to the depths and in general fine.

Today was such an amazing start to my time on Block Island.  My daughter woke up at 5:30 and I didn't mind.  We ate cereal with blueberries in the fog and walked the dogs on the beach.

Then I took an amazing morning nap from 8:30 - 10AM which really recharged me and made me feel wonderful.  We walked into town in the heat.  Sunscreen, water, hats, all without a hitch. 

The hitch came later.  My daughter threw the kind of tantrum where strangers on the street think you are beating your child and you were never so thankful that they were strapped into a stroller.  She was too hot, overtired, and crashing from her lollipop.

It's so hard for me when I feel powerless.  When there is nothing I can do to soothe my kid.  Nothing I can do to ease a trouble friend.  Nothing I can do to solve a client's problem.  

My take away from this:

Sometimes we just have to go through the shit.  Sometimes not only is there no fixing it - there is also no making it feel better.  There is just being there with the person and holding steady.  So that's where I am today.  Holding steady.  Flexible.  Riding the waves of emotion and just being there.  It's no infinite wisdom. It's no trick. It's just showing up & being present.  But I am not saying it is always easy.

Butterflies Abound - Transitions

So tomorrow I leave for three weeks with my toddler and two dogs to head to the beach and work remotely.  It is a wonderful luxury of my job, my self-employment status.  At the same time, it makes me crazy.  Eight months pregnant, no AC, no dishwasher, lots of sand - oh, and did I mention it is an island?  My darling husband will be away making money (which we totally need).  I have yuppie problems, and I know it.  (release guilt here)

I am preparing by purchasing my first beach chair, and I already bought some light magazine reading.  Oprah is teaching me more simple stress relief and Home and Garden suggests freezing and canning techniques for fruits. 

I am bringing lots of heavy books (like this one and this one) that I don't plan on getting to.

Transitions are always a challenge for me, and yet my life seems full of them.  I say "BRING IT!  Lots of room for practicing the skills of adaptation that I preach!"  The monarch transitions so naturally, so today, it is my inspiration.  I am off to Mexico in my mind.  

Won't you JOIN ME in exploring how to step back, bend to the seasons, and learn what you can?

Thing One and Thing Two

I feel like I cannot do anything today except talk about:

1. Craigslist and the absoulutly wonderful blog that I have been devouring.  Seriously, this woman is a brilliant writer and super funny, and since my building was build in 1890 I TOTALLY understand.  Oh, and did I mention that I have a call with the architect this AM who is designing our NEW HOUSE?  I guess I didn't, and come to think of it, did ya'll even know I am building a house?  (Yeah, while having a 2nd baby and running a few businesses.)
2. Self expression via clothing. Seriously.  I first learned about this via Madonna, my idol from age 3 to...oh...now. And now I am learning about it from my 2 year old.  Roll back everything I knew and dress from the basics of fabulousness.  See these again fashionistas and their amazing style HERE. 

So, that's what's on my mind today. I guess I'll go get dressed and and browse Craigslist now.  Please send any good finds or great outfits to me directly.  Or pin to Pinterest, I'll meet you there.