To The Depths

Not a lot of things push me to anxiety recently.  I've been pretty slow & steady, breathing in, rushing along, skipping on the surface, diving to the depths and in general fine.

Today was such an amazing start to my time on Block Island.  My daughter woke up at 5:30 and I didn't mind.  We ate cereal with blueberries in the fog and walked the dogs on the beach.

Then I took an amazing morning nap from 8:30 - 10AM which really recharged me and made me feel wonderful.  We walked into town in the heat.  Sunscreen, water, hats, all without a hitch. 

The hitch came later.  My daughter threw the kind of tantrum where strangers on the street think you are beating your child and you were never so thankful that they were strapped into a stroller.  She was too hot, overtired, and crashing from her lollipop.

It's so hard for me when I feel powerless.  When there is nothing I can do to soothe my kid.  Nothing I can do to ease a trouble friend.  Nothing I can do to solve a client's problem.  

My take away from this:

Sometimes we just have to go through the shit.  Sometimes not only is there no fixing it - there is also no making it feel better.  There is just being there with the person and holding steady.  So that's where I am today.  Holding steady.  Flexible.  Riding the waves of emotion and just being there.  It's no infinite wisdom. It's no trick. It's just showing up & being present.  But I am not saying it is always easy.

Thing One and Thing Two

I feel like I cannot do anything today except talk about:

1. Craigslist and the absoulutly wonderful blog that I have been devouring.  Seriously, this woman is a brilliant writer and super funny, and since my building was build in 1890 I TOTALLY understand.  Oh, and did I mention that I have a call with the architect this AM who is designing our NEW HOUSE?  I guess I didn't, and come to think of it, did ya'll even know I am building a house?  (Yeah, while having a 2nd baby and running a few businesses.)
2. Self expression via clothing. Seriously.  I first learned about this via Madonna, my idol from age 3 to...oh...now. And now I am learning about it from my 2 year old.  Roll back everything I knew and dress from the basics of fabulousness.  See these again fashionistas and their amazing style HERE. 

So, that's what's on my mind today. I guess I'll go get dressed and and browse Craigslist now.  Please send any good finds or great outfits to me directly.  Or pin to Pinterest, I'll meet you there.

On Powerlessnes

My two year old daughter took a header, forehead first, into metal bleachers at full speed.  We were on Block Island, where there is no hospital and the mainland is an hour boat ride or a fifteen minute plane flight away.  Time stood still as I carried her across the field to the EMT who had run to get his go bag.  

I barely noticed my surroundings.  My daughter, hours later, is fine.  She's her normal chipper self, with a smaller-than-expected lump over her left eye.

I am awash with powerlessness.  The whole episode, a  reminder for me that powerlessness is the truth at the bottom of it all.  That we never have control, that we are always powerless.  It's humbling.  I pretty much suck at it (it being the acceptance of powerless ness), but I am getting better.  These somewhat, could-be, tragic moments are slap-in-the-face teachers.  But it doesn't always have to be so harsh a lesson.

Here is my focus for the next few days: Powerlessness in micro doses.  Practical practices.

I am going to try a few practices this week.  They cross back and forth between personal / business /time management strategies, so they can really be used by anyone, and adapted to different things.

1) Taking a step back as a parent.  Trusting others to watch my most precious of belonging.  It's makes me feel out of control,  a little bit untethered.  Sitting with this little feeling of powerlessness, not avoiding it, just being with it, is my first practice.

2) Not checking my email until after breakfast.  Just typing this makes me feel a little anxious.  I generally check my email first thing after opening my eyes.  Though it feels really good in some ways, it starts my days too early.  So, I am going to sit there in the morning and be a little bit powerless, let the world go on around me, without me, until after I eat breakfast.  I don't so much intend for this to last, because I believe that in general, checking my email first thing DOES work for me.  But since I need a bit of powerlessness practice, this is one really good place for me to go for a while.

3) Creating a letting go mindfulness meditation practice.  I have been working on writing and recording a short meditation on letting go and I know this is the time I need to really press forward. It is called practice because we need to keep at it, keep doing it, keep letting go, letting go, letting go.  Soon you'll be able to practice along with me.  (For now if you want to start with a little practice, you can download the Awareness of Beginning, which is a three minute download that you can purchase here.)

What will you try? 

I Love THIS About My Schedule

Some weekday mornings I get to do this.

And it is AWESOME.  Awe inspiring.  Awwww.  Awwww Yeah. 

 (I am not mentioning, right now, the nights I spend cranking away or the holidays I've given up for work's demands.)

Because I make my own schedule I get to do a lot of things that I want to do.  This includes going for beach walks with my family, mid-morning, on a weekday.  Also, going to the bank during bank hours, yes!  And shopping when no one else is in the store, alright!

Sometimes in the grind, beneath the wheels that churn, I lose sight of this incredible scheduling ability.  In a word, FREEDOM.  It's one of the reason I love my consulting business.  Because I adore helping people craft a life that supports them AND simultaneously allows them to shape their dreams, daily.   I ask my clients when I first speak with them, "What do you want to do when you get up in the morning?"

So TODAY, here is what I want you to do.  Be you self-employed, 9-5, overnighter, stay at home mom, student, ALL OF YOU.  Take one minute and reflect on one point of FREEDOM that your schedule allows.  

 Now nudge some other stuff out of the way and create more space for it.  Make wiggle room.  Stretch the boundaries.  This is it folks, today's the day.